March 07, 2013

A confession of a surrogate

I had a feeling even while I was pregnant with the twins that I wanted to do this again and again and again. I can not think of much that feels more rewarding than surrogacy. There's something a little addicting about it. Could it be the joy of watching someone become a parent or maybe it's the amazement of bringing a child into this world? It's both. The look of love in the parents' eyes as they hold their newborn baby and knowing you helped make it all happen, you can't compare anything to that. The act of bringing a human being into this world, you really can't compare anything to that either.

So with all this goodness, what could be holding me back from doing another journey? I absolutely love being pregnant, it's the best babysitting job I have ever had, sweet little babies are involved, I met and created a bond like no other with Roy and Avner.... oh there it is! Roy and Avner.

I know I've said this so many times, but you'll have to just settle down and hear it again. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would create such a special bond with the IPs (Intended Parents). More so due to the fact that they wouldn't want a relationship with me. 

It happens to be quite the opposite. We have formed a very special relationship. A very unique relationship. I don't have this kind of bond with anyone else. With that being said, I have some feelings that I am sorting through. I'm close to sorting it out. In fact, just writing about it seems to take a load off.

Here's a little peek into my thoughts...

After having a first child, a lot of us daydream of having more. When the time comes we feel we are ready for a second child, we usually go through emotional times and wonder how on earth we could love another child as much as our first? How could there possibly be more room in our hearts for another child? Then this outrageously guilty thought crosses our mind... what if my first child feels betrayed or that we don't love them as much as we did before?

As silly as it may sound, this is quite similar to what I have been feeling. How could a 2nd journey even compare to my 1st? Is there room within me to create another special bond with a new couple? And then OMG, what if Roy and Avner decide our bond isn't as special anymore and we slowly cut off communication? I would be so saddened by that. Now obviously they have never given me reason to think this would happen. It's more of an irrational thought, but it's a thought I've entertained.

Believe me, I tried and tried to convince R&A to have another baby. So far I'm not doing a terrific job at that. They have 1 year old twins... do you blame them for not being ready?

While they may not be ready, I feel like I am. Taking my age into consideration, I don't have a ton of time left. Yes, some surrogates do this well into their 40's. I'm not so certain I will be one of them. I'm slowly making my way to 37 and feel like I should be retiring my uterus within the next 3 or 4 years. It's done a darn good job of growing 6 children and I think it is capable of handling at least one more round of pregnancy.

 There are still a few things I need to sort out, but I am fairly certain you'll be hearing more about my final decision within the next few months. In the meantime, feel free to send positive vibes and thoughts my way.