August 28, 2011

The other night

A week ago, Jeremy and I went to a birthday party for one of his friends. He has been friends with both the husband and wife for many, many years. This couple has been going through infertility issues for quite awhile. I knew they had been trying for a baby but I didn't know the seriousness of it until late last year.

We arrived kind of late to the party. Most of the guests were ready to leave as we were arriving. Remember, we old now so the parties end much sooner. The wife knows I am going through the surrogate process. I had a feeling infertility would come up and it did. She told me she was proud of me for becoming a surrogate. From there we discussed what was going on in their world. I've said this before but it breaks my heart to hear these stories. If it breaks my heart just to hear the story, imagine how the person dealing with infertility must feel. I know the feeling of having a child to love and I believe everyone should have the opportunity to feel this amazing and indescribable love. Now, we all know there are people in this world that should absolutely not be having children. Why can they have children while some good, loving and stable people can not. This will never be explained to us but I would venture to say that most of us wonder.

As she (I did not ask for permission to write about this couple so I will not use names) told us about her and her husband's last three year it just made me want to cry. We talked about the possible solutions they had tried and how she had become pregnant twice, only to miscarry both times. She was diagnosed with having poor quality of eggs. She only blames herself. Logically, she knows she shouldn't blame herself and there is nothing she can do about it. Unfortunately, she was dealt this crappy hand. She feels extremely guilty that she can't produce children for her husband. It's human nature to want to blame someone or something when a problem arises. Sometimes things are just out of our control and no one is to blame.

We talked about how it may just happen on it's own. It's a possibility but to live on that cloud of hope would be so emotionally draining. Every month hoping and dreaming that "this might be the month". Jeremy and I tried for almost 9 months before we become pregnant with our second son. I use the word "tried" loosely because while we tried around the time I ovulated, I never charted anything. I still had my fingers crossed that every month I would have a reason to take a pregnancy test. I mentioned this to the wife but once I started I felt like such a fool. How dare I compare my history to hers. I was trying to say that while my story is no where near hers, I know the sadness and disappointment from a negative pregnancy test. It frustrates me to hear or read stories of women that try one or two months and don't become pregnant and they assume it will never happen and go on to throw themselves a pity party. Feeling disappointment is natural but save the pity party until you have tried 1, 2, 3 or many more years of not becoming successful.

Another topic that was brought up was the question they are constantly asked "When are you having kids". When you are not faced with infertility, you don't think about it daily. It's a question people ask every single day. Kind of like "How's the weather". By this, I mean it's conversation starter. Obviously, I am not comparing infertility to the weather. Don't read that the wrong way. I know I have asked it in the past. My eyes are open now to the fact that if a couple has reached a certain age and they don't have kids, there may be something more going on than them just not wanting kids.

I'll leave you with this, be sensitive and think before you ask "So, when are going to pop out some kids". It's not that easy for some. I don't mean that we should silence infertility but we need to respect others enough to not pry and assume that everyone can produce kids. Leave it up to the couple to discuss the topic of having kids. Some couples are more than willing to talk about it but others may want to keep it to themselves. They have their reasons for not wanting to talk about it. Maybe it's too painful or they feel it's more of a private matter.

Take care!


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