October 17, 2011

This and that (a little heavy)

I met with a friend for ice cream last week. We don't get together nearly as often as I would like but I'll take what I can get. We talked a lot about the surrogacy but that wasn't the entire conversation. One thing that came up about surrogacy was how the babies, once they are older, will feel about how they were conceived. I don't know how the daddies-to-be will handle this conversation. We discussed the egg donor and wondered if the babies will eventually have a need to want to meet her. And then we discussed how the babies would feel about me. Will they feel a connection to me? I really don't know about this. As my friend put it "what am I (babies) supposed to feel toward this person" (as in me and/or the egg donor). Well, I don't expect them to have a lifelong connection to me. But, I have never been through this before so I just don't know how it will be. If they have a connection and want to be part of my life (via long distance), I would definitely welcome that. I have said before the guys live quite a distant from me so staying in contact will be a challenge. We don't talk everyday but I think about them everyday and I am pretty sure they think about me/babies everyday. I do know that once the babies are here and the daddies return home that their lives will be busy... their lives will change dramatically! Now, we all know how easy it is to lose contact with people once our lives change in such dramatic ways. I have friends that live in the same town as me and we never see each other. My best guess is that there will always be some sort of bond between the daddies and myself but contact will be not very frequent. We'll just have to see where this road leads us.

Another topic my friend and I discussed was the "This is it" theory. You know, if you're going to do something, do it now... now is the time, this is it. If you have a desire to do something, now is the time, this is it. Pretty much, what are you waiting for? Today could be the last day you have to do whatever it is you dream about. I've thought about this a lot. What had actually pushed me to finally act on goals I've had? Within the last year and a half, I have gone after 2 dreams. One, being a surrogate and two, becoming a photographer. So, what was it that pushed me? Well, the answer that comes to me is this... about 6 years ago, I lost my grandma. She meant the world to me. She plays a part in many of my treasured childhood memories. Since her death, my life has never been the same. I still think about her almost daily and hate that she was taken from me. I know death is a part of life but she was cheated. She died from Alzheimer's. I have a hard time understanding why such a truly wonderful person had to suffer with this disgusting disease. Moving forward, almost exactly 3 years ago, I was at the bedside of my childhood best friend when she died. Watching someones life escape them is beyond words for me. Two others friends were there as well as my childhood friend's parents. Losing someone is hard but watching someone lose their child is extremely painful. I left their house hoping that what I had just witnessed wasn't real, that in the morning I would wake up from this dream. I still about Jessica very often. We had known each other since the age of 5, we were best friends through elementary school and most of high school. We grew apart as time went on and lost contact for a few years. When she got sick, I contacted her and our visits were here and there. She died from Neurofibromatosis. She kept high spirits throughout her illness and often put others' needs in front of her own. Her illness confined her to a wheelchair for years yet her desires to be independent were very strong. Moving forward again, a little less than 3 months after Jessica's death, my grandpa passed away. This is the grandpa to my grandma that passed earlier. Since her death, he had never been the same. In a lot of ways, I think he gave up and was ready to go be with her. When he was really sick, he made comments to my mom like "why can't I just go". He, like my grandma, was a huge part of my life and I loved him so much! After my grandma passed away, I watched him slowly die both inside and out. He had no desires to be here anymore. My brother and I made it to the hospital literally minutes after he died. If I hadn't stopped for a cup of coffee, we would have been there when he passed. He had been in and out of the hospital for months so we knew it was coming, we just didn't know when. Honestly, I was relieved to not be there. Having just watched Jessica die a few months before, I was not ready to watch another person die, especially my grandpa.

Whew... deep breath. After these events in my life, I slowly began to realize life is too short to keep saying "maybe tomorrow I'll look into accomplishing that dream". While I have other dreams to accomplish, I think I am off to a good start. The two lifelong dreams I am working on right now are pretty big. I am proud of myself for going after them and look forward to seeing where they go. I encourage you to do the same.

I read in the news today that Giuliana Rancic has breast cancer. For those that don't know her, she is a TV Host on E! News. She also stars in a reality show with her husband. I have followed her story a little bit. Her and her husband have had trouble conceiving a baby. They remain childless today. Before starting their next round of IVF (having 2 failed rounds, I believe), Giuliana's doctor recommended a mammogram. She figured she would wait until she was 40 years old (she is 37 now) to have her first mammogram but she took her doctor's advice and went forth with the test. Imagine her shock when the results showed she has cancer. I was very saddened to read about this. Hasn't she been through enough?!? She is lucky to have had it detected early. This will push back her next round of IVF by quite a bit. I am just sad for her.

Sorry if my posts seem a little heavy lately. I have a lot on my mind. This blog is a nice outlet for me. My next post will be something fun and exciting... I am not telling you but trust me, you'll enjoy it.


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